I am winging this a bit.
I don’t like shops.
But I will write about them anyway.
If you know me, you will know this.
I make a fuss about it.
Some of my reasons;
1. I have no patience with queues
2. I do not like to smell other people’s breath or armpits
any more than is necessary my life.
3. I think I am probably a bit agoraphobic…
crowds make me just want to run or be violent.
4. There are rarely nice loos.
5. The UK is terrible for training people in Customer Service.
I live in the UK.
6. I HATE trying things on in changing rooms.
It doesn’t matter how ‘I’m pretty damned hot’ I looked when I got dressed that morning – I will have turned into a blancmange-ey crack whore
when I look in the changing room mirrors.
7. Number 6 could be just me. I’m OK again when I get home. Where do they get those mirrors? Mine seems to work fine in the bathroom.
8. OK, I might be admitting to another Personality Disorder but seriously.. that many bugs in one place? Colds? Stomach upsets?
Everyone touching the doors and the merchandise and the snotty coughing work experience boy handing everyone their change with complimentary Gastric Flu germs
(Do you know I machine wash and anti-bac my boxing gloves twice a week? I can’t lie. I have issues)
9. Parking. Queuing to park. Paying to park.
Squeezing into much-too-small parking spaces. Queuing to get out of the car park.
All in order to have the privilege of giving them more of my money.
10. Would I like a 1kg bar of Dairy Milk to go with my Printer Ink purchase? NO! Why would I?
Stop it. Ridiculous.
11. Muzak. Piped music.
No. I haven’t enough time left in my life to listen to that. I’ll take Taylor Swift over that.
And that’s saying something
I will listen to my own iPod to drown out the sound of that woman threatening her Haribo intoxicated pre-schooler that if he
“don’t come ‘ere NAOOWWW Farvva Christmas weren’t coming” – whilst clearly on Twitter on her phone. (True Story)
12. The Coat/Hot Flush dichotomy. It’s Winter.
It’s fecking freezing. So I put on my coat, gloves and scarf. When I get in shops, it’s either; get a preview of a Menopausal hot flush .. Or carry my massive puffy coat and struggle to carry the bags.
13. Bumping into people I know, then having to stop and chat for ten minutes…whilst being jostled. Normally, would have been nice to see them.
Tip. If you see me with my headphones on, my “ooh, baby” hat, and sunglasses I seriously do not want to stop for a chat.
Actually, that is true of the hat alone.
fig 1. My ‘Ooh Baby’ Hat
(In case you were wondering)
There are more. As you can imagine.
I can see no reason on the planet if you INSIST on buying into the consumerist propaganda of overspending to the point of near-bankruptcy that you don’t knock yourself out with it online.
Nice tunes on, cup of decent tea, price comparison sites – you can do your research and check out the specs – without some old lady trying to kneecap you with her trolley because you paused to look too long.
And you can watch videos of babies falling asleep in their dinner while your PayPal payment goes through.
They’ll even wrap it. The present, not the baby.
What’s not to like? And cats, obvs.
oh and
14. Jostling.
Seriously, I cannot abide people who do not observe the my space/your space rule. Oh and when they do it in queues!!!!???
YOU. ARE. NOT. GOING. TO. GET. TO . THE TILL. ANY. QUICKER.
Someone did that to me on a rare trip to the Fresh Gateway to Hell that is Primark recently – but upped the stakes with a sneezeINTO MY FACE.
I was that close to gladly spending a night in the cells.
I am not a massive lover of ‘things’.
I mean I love some of my things.
But things for the sake of new things?
‘Buy your Winter 2015/16 capsule wardrobe’
Why? I have a very warm coat, a few pairs of nice trousers, and a choice of ‘going out’ dresses (should the unlikely occasion arise)
None of them have holes in, and sometimes I get a compliment on them.
I am alright for new capsule wardrobes as it goes.
Q. So Tanya, you tightwad, badly dressed, bah humbug ranty, trampy, miseryguts…what DO you spend your spare money on?”
A. Knowledge and fun.
So, Lotte Lane (whose writing I love) A little message popped up this time last year saying she was running an online event.
She used the term SUPERTITS in the blurb so I knew it would be up my street.
I didn’t really read it properly, but on a quick scan saw it was her – and bought it. I knew it would be good. (It was)
Worth a try.
Online courses – LOVE those (I have several in a queue waiting for me)
Music. Yep – my late night iTunes purchases are always a lovely surprise in the morning.
eBooks. And audiobooks (my literary drug of choice)
I will have to confess to the ladies reading this that are in one of our FB buying groups:
That we set them up in order to get clothes
To be environmentally friendly
Help people stop wasting money…
…and mainly so I don’t have to go to shops.
(Claire is very good at shops, and she manages to find the most beautiful array of treasures for the amount I spend parking)
In another of our groups, a lady asked “what can I buy my 1-year-old for Xmas”
The correct answer should have been (in my opinion)
NOTHING.
A 1-year-old has no idea what to expect from birthdays until they sadly get older and find out what the TV tells them they should.
I suggested:
- A tummy raspberry
- A balloon
- A game of boo
- A push on the swings
- A table tent with cushions in
- A sit in a big box decorated as an aeroplane
- going NEEOOOOWWWWW
All of that in one day would be a hell of a birthday
Same with us grown ups.
If it wasn’t for clever merchandising, TV ads, Billboards, Magazines and all that
Would you know that you are like, well lame, for still having an iPhone 5?
And OMG are you still wearing Uggs? Uggs are so 2012. Did you see that sign outside the cafe that said no Uggs, and in brackets: (tramp wellies). I did chuckle – but really?
If you like them and they keep your feet toasty – how dare they tell you that what was once the ‘must have’ is now the ‘wouldn’t be caught dead in’.
Hipster inverted-snobbery of the lowest order…
Would you know what the PERFECT M&S family Christmas looked like?
And try to recreate it?
(It’s gonna cost ya….but you know – it’s CHRISTMAS!)
Do you remember what you got for Christmas last year?
Bet you don’t…
The people you bought presents for
Do you think they do?
Don’t reckon SUPERTITS!
The word: Supertits™
Author credits: ©L.Lane 2014
If the next fiver you spent, wasn’t in Starbucks,
But on a book that changed the way you look at the World…
Or If the next twenty quid you spent wasn’t on another jumper – ON OFFER!!
But on a blissful, warm, delicious smelling massage with all that soothing music playing
Or going to a roller-disco
Imagine if the next hundred wasn’t on a phone upgrade, but on a trip in an air balloon
Or a Murder Mystery Weekend (highly recommended)
I know it’s not a popular view. But I bet…you don’t really NEED any more stuff.
(And of course this is supposed to be the time I spend telling you about The Project, and how it makes you look at things you do differently, and help you stop spending money that you wish you hadn’t, on food you hadn’t eaten, and gym memberships you won’t use by March)
And how it is going to make you feel much happier and look much better than your tenth jumper from H&M.
Especially when this time you had to go up a size
But not today.
- Your upcoming spending could change your life;
- the way you look and feel about the world,
- Improve your knowledge,
- Donate to a cause dear to you
- Learn a new skill,
- Be blissed out for an hour,
- See into the next County from the air,
- Taste exotic ingredients,
- Learn the Argentine Tango,
- Or Start feeling healthy and sexy.
Did you know that donating an amount of money you would usually spend on a new jumper, to a charity that you care about… can give you a hundred jumpers worth of happiness.
With all that money you are about to spend in the shops on more of what you have already…
Because some massive, obscenely profitable company told you to.
Because they have excess stock to shift.
And as St. Noddy Holder, patron saint of Christmas songs that turn mild-mannered humans into rabid, axe-wielding sociopaths the second they are piped into T.K.Maxx
(might be just me)
is going to tell you tomorrow as you brave the shops
It’s CHRIIISSSSssssssst-maaaaasssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!
Happy shopping.
If you want to spend your $$$ on something worth it… Try our Mindfulness course.
You don’t even need to get off the sofa (£40 instead of £65)
Mindfulness is the skill that helps you drop into your moments and live more fully – priceless