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We Nicked Teapots
It’s not big and it’s not clever…
Disclaimers:
- It was a LONG time ago
- It was funny at the time
- I am much more sensible now
- I am not proud of myself
So my friend and I go back a long way.
(To about 8 years old, in fact)
I call her Spamula Spudulika Rothman T’Pot
she calls me:
Mr Gertyvedenhurdenburger T’Pot II
Long story
…to do with a deranged German teacher
and being caught drawing complicated jewellery
and watches on ourselves with biros.
You had to be there – funny at the time.
Anyhoo
We spent our teenage years together;
First growing up everythings:
- Boys
- GCSE results
- Terrible perms
- Shell suits
- (hers were magnificent)
- Getting into nightclubs aged 14
- Booze
Then having babies (I started first!!)
…we’ve podded 6 rather excellent ones between us!
- Toddler groups
- Birthday parties
- Weddings
- Wrinkles
- Pelvic floor
- Stretch marks …and all that stuff.
And when the children (or the children she nannied)
were little,
We would regularly take them places with soft play
(incidentally I have, as I type, been phoned
by my husband to tell me that he and my youngest
have just arrived at school in a nicely ironed uniform
…..and it is non-uniform day….so they are on their
way back)
She’s sorted – back to the story.
So we would let the children play together
and we would a ‘nice cuppatee’.
They had these little teapots ‘for one’
the kind that you would never buy for yourself.
And I thought – “ooh I would really like one of these”
So in a giggly way, we carefully wrapped the teapot
up in a napkin, and with the faces of people
doing a bank robbery….
tiptoed out with the teapot.
HOORAY
In your face restaurant!!
You didn’t suspect a thing…
And I have a cool little teapot
And I didn’t have to go to IKEA and buy it
But like heroin, Breaking Bad or
the fags – one is never enough..
You need more to get the same thrill
as the first time…
So each time we went back, we added
a little more crockery to our
ever more splendid sets for home.
And we got more outrageous in our
daring.
I think the last time, we both walked out
with teapots held at chest height
and just said goodbye to the waitresses
in comedy German accents….
Working on the theory that if you do things with
enough confidence – noone challenges you.
They didn’t
More teapots.
Funny.
But years on….it doesn’t seem so funny actually.
Those waitresses may well have seen and
not known what to do.
The owner was down on his stock –
so undoubtedly would have had to buy some more.
And I don’t think I have used the teapots.
And actually we could have been caught
they COULD have legitimately called the police.
And actually after the last time….
we didn’t go back.
Just in case…
..what dumbarses
No such thing as a free teapot
Same as “shared” PC software.
I mean you can get it…
I have techno-genius older children,
so everything is technically available for FREE.
But it’s not free.
You might get pop-ups, and ad-ware
and viruses bundled in that bugger your computer up
And it ends up costing more to get it fixed than it would
to have bought it legitimately..
“This copy of Windows isn’t genuine”
…..no sh^t Sherlock….
But the malware will wreck your machine in the
long term – it’s a quick fix.
It’ll catch up with you.
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You get a free teapot (and have a laugh)
but you feel like you can’t go back to your favourite restaurant.
Same as mad diets.
- Weight-Loss ‘nutrition’ shakes
- Raspberry Ketones (?!?!?!?!)
- The Juice Diet
- Schemes where they bring your ‘calorie-controlled’
- meals to the door.
- Slimming Pills from the chemist that make you poo yourself
- (Alli….alledgedly)
- Slimming Pills from dodgy clinics
- (seriously – DO NOT, it’s amphetamines)
- Complicated ‘Slimming’ club eating plans….
Short term, quick fixes
Might work for a couple of weeks….
(Probably not, to be fair, but maybe)
But eventually you grow up
and realise you are just nicking teapots
When you give in…..
(as everyone does who succeeds, long term)
and lose the fat you are storing in your bum and bellies
(with good, regular exercise)
Make yourself feel better feed your body with
stuff that makes it look nice.
(with a good proper diet with fresh FOOD in it)
You have to be in it for the long term.
You want to be alive and a healthy shape for the long term
….not just for your holiday.
Quick fixes mess with your metabolism
To where it is so sluggish that your fat-burning
ability goes out of the window.
You end up FATTER
Your body doesn’t know what’s going on and thinks
everything’s gone all ‘WWII ration books’.
BECAUSE….
when you fall off the quick fix wagon
(as you inevitably will)
the quick fix made your
body able to store calories EXTRA efficiently
and make use of every one of them….
You pork up, lardify, and get fatter than before.
The classic yo-yo diet effect.
Great for the diet pill companies.
Not great for the size of your arse, a year from now.
Is it time for you?
No more free teapots?
Hope so.
Stay gorgeous.
Tanya xx
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P.s. Fitcamp and Personal Training booking
from when I get back from holibobs on the 21st.
It’s getting heck-a-booked 🙂
here’s where you click:
FITCAMP (starts 28th July)