Attachment Styles

Definition
Our attachment style describes how we connect, trust, and respond to closeness. It is said to be shaped by our earliest relationships – but it isn’t set in stone.

It’s the blueprint that quietly runs in the background when we love, parent, lead. It even shows itself when we start to get angsty waiting for a WhatsApp message reply.

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth first explored attachment in the 1950s and 1960s by researching how babies form bonds with their caregivers. Later, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver looked at how the same patterns can be seen in adult life – in friendships, relationships, and even at work.

A common misconception is that attachment is the same as dependence or neediness. It’s actually about how safe we feel when we connect and how we react when that sense of safety is threatened.

It’s also worth knowing that attachment style isn’t a single, fixed label. You might feel secure with one person and anxious with another, depending on the level of trust, communication, or how much emotional safety there is. The pattern is most obvious when something matters to you, so if it looks different in different relationships, that’s normal.

It’s the context that shifts the wiring, not proof that you’re inconsistent.

What it is and why it matters

Think of attachment style as your internal ‘compass for relationships’.
It subtly influences how you approach closeness – guiding whether you reach out, hold back, or brace yourself, often without any conscious input.

For example, when someone gets close emotionally – or even just in conversation, do you lean in, tense up, or brace for impact?

Do you need a moment to assess things, or are you immediately all-in?

Do you pull away when things feel too intense, or find yourself checking whether people still care (or second-guessing that?)

Those reactions often have less to do with who’s in front of you, or even what they are doing/saying, and more to do with the model your nervous system built years ago.

It’s worth knowing that this isn’t a right or wrong, who’s to blame issue – but being aware of it can be really helpful in your relationships.

When we understand our particular pattern, we can see it coming and work with it, rather than being run by it.

Healthy connection isn’t a case of being ‘perfectly’ attached. It’s more of an ongoing project – noticing when old wiring starts calling the shots and gently updating the script.

The four attachment styles

1. Secure
This is what is said to be the gold standard of connection. I prefer to call this style ‘balanced’. People with secure attachment are comfortable being close yet independent. They can depend on others and be dependable in return.

They assume good intentions, recover quickly from conflict, and don’t interpret space or silence as rejection. Their early caregivers were usually responsive and consistent, creating a sense of “hooray, the world is safe, and so am I.”

In adult life, that translates into steady confidence, healthy boundaries, and relationships that feel like home rather than hard work.

2. Anxious (or preoccupied)

Anxious types crave closeness but often fear it won’t last. They read between the lines, replay conversations, and double-text when someone doesn’t reply. They can be unfairly labelled “too much”, or “full on”, but underneath is a nervous system trying to secure reassurance.

Their early experiences may have been inconsistent; love sometimes arrived, sometimes didn’t, so they learned to stay alert, scanning for cues that the connection might slip away.

Anxious attachment can bring passion, empathy, and loyalty, but also exhaustion for everyone if it’s driven by fear. (I feel so seen…)

3. Avoidant (or dismissive)

Avoidant types value independence above all else. They’re often seen as self-sufficient and calm, but underneath that composure is an unease or discomfort with relying on others or being relied upon. They far prefer to do things for themselves than ask for help.

In childhood, care might have been practical (or even non-existent) but almost always emotionally distant, so closeness feels risky, even suffocating.

They prefer control, keep feelings private, and sometimes retreat when intimacy deepens. It’s not arrogance or coldness, it’s protection. Avoidant people aren’t avoiding you, they’re avoiding the vulnerability that dependence represents. (Which can feel a bit hurtful, if you don’t expect it.)

4. Disorganised (or fearful-avoidant)

This one’s the trickiest.
It mixes the push-pull of both anxious and avoidant. People with this style often want connection but fear it at the same time.

Their early environment may have involved both comfort and threat, the same person being the source of love and stress. That confusion wires in ambivalence: “come closer… but don’t hurt me.”

As adults, it can show up as intensity followed by retreat, or closeness followed by self-sabotage. It’s rarely intentional, just protective instinct clashing with longing. Arghhh. Confusing. (Sorry)

Real-life patterns

In romantic relationships
Secure pairs communicate openly, argue fairly, and repair quickly.
Anxious and avoidant couples often dance a “chase and retreat” pattern, one pursues, the other distances, both feeling misunderstood.
Disorganised dynamics can feel like fireworks: exciting, unpredictable, sometimes stormy – even to the point of ending things.

In friendships
Secure friends are consistent. They don’t vanish mid-conversation or panic if a text goes unanswered.
Anxious friends worry about being a burden or forgotten.
Avoidant friends prefer fewer, looser ties, you might not hear from them often, but when you do, it’s real.
Disorganised friends crave closeness yet keep their guard up. They might swing between oversharing and ghosting!

At work
Attachment shapes leadership and teamwork too.
A secure leader delegates with trust.
An anxious one micromanages.
An avoidant one may withdraw from conflict or feedback.
A disorganised one might alternate between intense involvement and sudden disengagement.

Recognising these patterns isn’t about labelling anyone. It’s about noticing what drives your reactions when pressure or vulnerability hits. (That said, I expect you’ve thought about which cap would fit certain people)

How awareness helps

You can’t choose your first attachment style, but you can absolutely choose how much power it holds now.

Knowing your tendencies helps you pause before reacting.
The anxious type can learn to soothe themselves before seeking reassurance.
The avoidant can practice staying present for a few moments longer when someone gets close.
The disorganised can build safety through consistency and self-kindness, noticing that both fear and longing are valid.

Most importantly, everyone can move towards secure attachment.
Therapy helps. So does mindfulness (to be fair, it helps with most things), honest communication, and choosing relationships that reward openness rather than punish it.

In leadership and teams, secure attachment creates psychological safety, a consistent trust that lets people take risks, admit mistakes, and innovate without fear of humiliation.

So whether it’s love, friendship, or work, secure connection is less about perfection and more about how you move forward when things are go wobbly.

Things To Think About

Which pattern sounds most like you when you feel threatened or rejected?
How does it play out when you’re under stress?
Who in your life helps you feel safe enough to relax and be open?
Do you tend to pursue, withdraw, or freeze when things get a bit intense?

Optional challenge

This week, work out where you could practice secure behaviour, even if you don’t feel it yet.

If you normally chase, pause before reaching out and reassure yourself first.
If you usually withdraw, stay present through one uncomfortable conversation.
If you flip between both, take a breath before reacting and ask: what would a secure person do right now?

Tiny repetitions build new wiring.
Every small repair is a ‘sculpting’ moment.

A Buddh-ish take

This is a big issue in Buddhism.

Attachment, in Buddhist psychology, is often portrayed as the source of all suffering: clinging, craving, grasping. But there’s an important distinction between attachment to and attachment with.

The first binds you.
The second connects.

Healthy attachment isn’t about possession; it’s about your presence.
When we connect from a place of safety (rather than scarcity), we stop chasing or avoiding.
We simply meet one another.

And while I usually end these with a quote from the Dhammapada, it felt right here to borrow from the poet Rumi, who captured the same truth a bit more gently.

“Love is the bridge between you and everything.”

Real connection isn’t not being scared at all.
It’s choosing to stay, listen, and soften, even when the fearful part of your whispers otherwise.

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References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualised as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.