If you met 18 year old you..
What would you say to her?
The thing about HINDSIGHT, is that while it is valuable
and builds your wisdom reserves,
it is also a bit of a bitch.
Like knowing the lottery numbers a week in advance
would have life-changing consequences,
and knowing how your younger choices panned out
could well have led you to make different ones.
Gahhhh.
Annoying.
Maybe that quick drink you went for that ended with you walking
home at 1am wearing one shoe, in -1 degrees, over the Itchen Bridge
carrying someone else’s handbag full to the brim with boiled sweets…
and utterly no explanation for the above…
(actual story)
….With hindsight maybe wasn’t the brightest move.
Or that job you didn’t apply for that it turned out – was your perfect role
Or that row you had – that you wish you hadn’t,
or the courage you didn’t… to ask that boy to the cinema.
Or the way you spent more time in Top Shop than lectures.
And then had to retake a year.
18 year old you made different choices to the ones with all your
life experience and cleverness wouldn’t make now.
And then there are the kinds of situations we hear about in the
news to do with CONSENT.
Separating Sexual Assault and Rape from some
of the non-consensual situations that we read about makes
us feel uncomfortable.
No means no.
Yes it does.
Always.
Similarly separating paedophilia from under-age sex
still leaves us concerned about vulnerable young people.
It’s all in the darkest corners of the human condition
and we are so naturally reviled by the whole thing
that we scream “lock em up and throw away the key”.
…and then you hear about the 18 year old who goes to
prison for sleeping with his nearly 16 year old girlfriend
of 3 years..
…and the woman who 4 weeks after the event
says she was too drunk to have said ‘yes’ to her regular boyfriend.
But may have done so.
And he was very drunk too.
And between the event and the reporting of the crime…
he had left her for another woman.
And he still is convicted.
Someones daughter.
Someone’s son.
Blurred lines?…Shades of Grey? Pure evil or bloody stupid?
It is a clear message to: STOP and THINK
Like the brilliant example on the internet this week, of
“would she have agreed to a cup of
tea – was she ‘with it’ enough to say?”
And if she fell asleep part way through drinking her cup of tea
would you have continued pouring it in her mouth?
You get the idea.
None of it is good
There are no blurred lines.
But the elephant in the room is the matter of SENSE
Wisdom.
Where’s the common sense?
When I used to collect my teenagers and their friends from the Under 18s
Club night….from right outside the door – 5 minutes before the
end – to ensure they enjoyed themselves and got home safely…
they knew that made sense.
They used to dress up for a fun night out and look fantastic,
but while they piled in the car chatting
we would see OTHER very young girls doing the ‘newborn giraffe’ walk
of the newly high-heeled…
And in such tiny clothes I wanted to give them one of those
silver blankets they give to people that have fallen in the sea..
heading into town unaccompanied…with concoctions pilfered from
parents drinks cabinets, laughing, all excited – and drawing attention.
We’ll bet that at least one of those young girls would look back at at least
one of those times and wish she’d had a bit more savvy.
And whilst we should EXPECT that all the other adults they meet
will be trust-worthy and behave appropriately
sadly they might not.
And if a skinful of alcohol for women of any age
brings about a ‘blurred line’ between consent being clearly heard – or not.
The difference (for adult women) between having a few drinks with the
girls ….and getting utterly slaughtered…
It can’t be ignored.
We need to get HONEST
Then as adult women with the hindsight and a 15 year or more pause
between our 18 year old self or more –
must, whilst championing women’s rights
be, passing on our wisdom too.
Showing how keeping an eye on each other,
walking in places that are well-lit,
having shoes with them that we can actually walk fast in –
should the need arise….
Self defence classes are as much about those kinds of thing first;
avoiding potentially dangerous situations in the first place..
as having a contingency if you do.
It’s not Anti-Feminist – or taking anyone’s horrible experiences
with anything but the severest gravity.
Or saying that people can’t dress a certain way –
everyone must and should dress however they please.
But having the the possible consequences
calmly and non-judgmentally explained.
Has got to be more useful.
As non-PC as you might think it, we are more concerned with preventing
the situation arising in the first place – than the judgement about
blame.
That’s for the legal people, policy-makers and those who
represent our interests on such issues.
I’d just like the women of this country that DO have the hindsight,
that DO know what they’d tell their young selves.
to tell another young person their stories.
Advice on what she WISHED she did…
Or didn’t.
Or said.
Or didn’t.
Because, it is not only our daughters, but our sons that suffer the aftermath
of a lovely night gone horribly wrong
with far-reaching consequences.
… and while we strive towards a cultural shift to greater
equality and respect,
where it would be inconceivable that a political party like UKIP
could even make marital rape AN AGENDA item again….
…and we all increasingly voice loud concern about
overly sexualised images confusing and eroding our children’s
respect for each others boundaries as they grow up.
It would be great if we could use some of that force of nature
lady-power to just give them our wisdom.
Our near-misses, close calls.
Empower them with knowledge and confidence
to know what’s what – the girls AND the boys.
With their phones charged, and money to get home, and with
a system for looking out for each other on a night out..
And the clear knowledge of what is OK and NOT OK.
And the confidence to make themselves clearly heard.
Unequivocally.
No grey area.
And while we wait for the World grow up and behave decently
we can use our hindsight and wisdom
to teach the younger ones how to keep each other safe in the meantime.
Have a great Friday
Tanya & Claire
x
p.s. we have been chatting about The Project
little audio below to decide if it is for you….
or isn’t.