Conversational Narcissism

Element: Being Heard
(also supports Love & Connection and Leadership)

Definition

Conversational narcissism is the habit of steering the conversation back to yourself, often without noticing. It can feel like empathy to you, but to the other person, it can land as “I wasn’t really heard.”

What it is – and why it’s useful

You know those chats where you walk away feeling slightly deflated? You were there, you spoke, but somehow the spotlight never quite left the other person. Or you sensed they were waiting for you to finish – so they could continue their thought.

That’s conversational narcissism at work. Not necessarily selfish or egocentric, often well-intentioned and a bit clumsy. Most of us do it.

Sociologist Charles Derber coined the term in the 1980s to describe how everyday conversations tilt towards “the self”. It isn’t a psychological diagnosis or personality disorder. It’s a social behaviour pattern, something people do, not something they are.

The term sounds more dramatic than it is. This isn’t the same as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a recognised mental-health diagnosis involving grandiosity, entitlement and lack of empathy, or even narcissism as an unhealthy personality trait. Conversational narcissism is far more everyday. It’s a social reflex, not a psychological condition. It’s what happens when genuine attempts to connect veer off into self-reference.

When someone shares something, we often want to relate, reassure, or join in. It’s meant as connection, but it can come across as comparison or even competition. The focus shifts unintentionally, and the other person stops feeling heard.

The Two Response Styles

Shift responses:
You redirect the focus to yourself.
“Oh my God, that happened to me as well.”

Support responses:
You keep the focus with them.
“Nightmare. That sounds hard. What happened next?”

Both are normal, but too many shift responses can leave people feeling dismissed, unseen, or subtly competed with. The dialogue can start to shut down rather than helping the other person open up. You get polite, surface-level exchanges instead of the kind of conversations that actually move things forward.

This isn’t about being self-absorbed or selfish. Most conversational narcissists (by which I mean all of us, at some point) aren’t aware they’re doing it. They’re trying to connect. Knowing the pattern helps you stop defaulting to your own creaky knee or difficult teenager and, instead, stay with the other person long enough to support them.

Real-life examples

The well-meaning friend
You mention that work has been an utter nightmare. Seconds later, you’re hearing about their week, their stress, and how their manager is the worst ever. They’re trying to show empathy by relating. You still walk away feeling unheard.

The team leader
A colleague shares an idea in a meeting. You jump in with your version, how you handled something similar, and where it could go next, or that you’d been thinking the same thing. The vibe gets awkward, the idea fizzles. Later, you notice they’ve stopped bringing suggestions to meetings. You meant to add value, but it backfired.

The partner at home
One of you shares a problem. The other offers advice or says, “I know exactly what you mean, that’s what I’ve been dealing with for months,” and launches into their story. It comes from a good place, but it cuts off the listening.

A moment for connection becomes a hunt for solutions, and nobody feels closer.

Why it matters

Feeling heard is one of the strongest predictors of psychological safety in families, friendships, and teams. When people feel genuinely listened to, cortisol drops, trust rises, and conversations shift from defensive to collaborative.

In leadership, it’s the difference between compliance and commitment.
People follow instructions when they have to.
They follow leaders when they feel heard and understood.

In personal relationships, it’s the difference between communication and connection.
You can’t feel known if you’re being compared, however kindly.

Recognising conversational narcissism gives you a connection superpower. You start listening for meaning instead of waiting, coiled, ready to pounce on the next moment to jump in.

Try this today

In your next conversation, imagine your only job is to understand them. Not to match their story or fix it, simply to get it. Use the nods, “yeses”, “oh nos”, and follow-ups that show you’re present.

Count how many times you’re tempted to reply with your own example.
Swap even one of those for a question that keeps the focus with them:

You’ll notice the tone change. Conversations become calmer, deeper, richer, and far more memorable for both of you.

Some things to think about

When do you tend to relate instead of listen?
Do you talk to connect, or to be understood?
How does it feel when someone listens without turning it into their story?
Who makes you feel heard, and what do they do differently?

Optional challenge

Pick one conversation today where you consciously avoid using “I” for the first five minutes. Let the other person fully unfold their story.

Notice what happens to the rhythm of the conversation, the trust and the quality of what they share. Then reflect: how did it feel to be the listener, not the responder?

If you’re already good at this, notice how well people respond in your conversations.

A Buddh-ish take

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” – Dalai Lama

Listening without bringing ego isn’t passive. It is being present.
It’s how you move from wanting to be interesting to wanting to understand. Ironically, that tends to make you endlessly interesting.

That small shift from self to awareness is what turns communication into connection, and makes you the person people want to be around.

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References

Derber, C. (1979). The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life. Oxford University Press.
Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. William Morrow.
Additional discussion: Harvard Business Review (2018). “What Great Listeners Actually Do.”