This was going to be 2 posts.
But I realised they were both about the same thing
We all want a GURU.
There was a time…
There were fitness people.
And life coach people
And there were new age, hippy woo-woo people
And there were religious people
And spiritual people
And then there was you. And you weren’t those people.
But now, it’s all become a bit merged – a bit Star Trek.
Everyone wants a Guru!
Someone who can look at you – important you – and tell you exactly what it is you need to do.
They’ll support you and love you and help you to be perfect.
They’ll take the responsibility for doing the things that need to be done, take charge of the decision making, all you need to do is submit, accept – and everything falls into place.
Which is intoxicating.
Why do you think people join cults?
I am the worst for this.
Always have been.
I have always identified the most talented, or the funniest, most outrageous, or cleverest person in the room the minute I walk in. And instantly tried to become their best friend and keep them for myself.
(to be fair I have had reasonable success)
I want what they got…
I want to KNOW
Probably not a thing to own up to, but too late now.
I am a GURU junkie.
So this new enlightened time has resulted in a NEW brand of Guru.
Not the old kind sitting in the desert in a loin cloth.
But the organised sort with Marketing Budgets and PR departments.
Our Gurus now are BIG BUSINESS.
Apologies for a slight pause in communication for a couple of days – but I was genuinely peed off about this and wanted to give this some thought.
And yes we have the ex-PR Execs turned Life Coaches who tell us to ‘ditch the baggage’ for a happy and contented life, telling us to kiss butterflies and outsource our ironing.
And actually – despite generally not having any professional qualifications…they don’t do any harm.
If you can afford to lose a bit of money.
That’s not what I’m talking about.
So it was Christmas, right and you ate too much and did too little and felt blobby and bloated.
You made New Years resolutions, stuck to them for 3 weeks and it all slipped.
And you feel worse
AND THEN…
AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME…
LIKE A SIGN!!!!!!
A flyer through the door.
Come along to Fat Fighters on Monday nights.
We have weighed, measured, planned and organised everything.
All you need to do is TRUST us.
Oh and pay monthly.
And buy all this merchandise.
Give yourself over to us.
The responsibility.
The decision-making.
YES, the rules are unfathomable, and YES you spend your life OBSESSED with your next meal and YES it is humiliating to be publicly weighed like a side of lamb, and YES the people that run the group are very rarely bikini models (but they are ‘losing’ along with you, so it’s ok)
BUT you do get to stand and take round of applause for losing 5lbs.
And a BADGE!!!
The same way as we give our children a sticker chart for going to bed nicely or finishing their vegetables.
This is why it doesn’t work long term.
You lose 8lbs (Yay)….
and then you put on 4
Then you beat yourself up, and you lose another 2
and then you plateau and nothing happens.
And then there was the holiday so you put on 7
And it continues..
And you blame yourself.
Because you keep seeing the rounds of applause and you want another badge…
Familiar?
GOOD MORNIN’ – weight loss is BIG BUSINESS – what kind of Slimming Club
would want you to lose the weight in the first 4 weeks?
You’d be a RUBBISH customer.
Think about it.
They know what they’re doing to make sure you stay with them a loooong time, and you feel you can’t do without them.
A Guru is all well and good – can be transformational.
They may set you on a path you would never have taken.
But to RELY on them being there for you means you are DOOMED to failure the minute they are not.
I am going to tell you something that has been a EUREKA moment.
You are a grown up.
You know what you need to do.
But you might need someone to help you get started. And that’s OK.
It’s like needing to do your tax return….and buying a filing cabinet.
It won’t sort it out but it feels like you are doing something.
The time is about to come – when you have to realise, that all the filing cabinets and badges in the World won’t tackle the issue.
The issue is you.
And the weary realisation that you know what you need to do.
The tedious truth that it’s time to be a grown up.
Same as doing tax returns, and car insurance and school runs.
Some things can’t be outsourced.
And actually, however much you pay, noone will do it for you.
Yes Ann from the post office lost 5 stone.
Ann had got her head right and ignored a lot of the nonsense she learned at her Slimming Club, ate fresh foods, got lots of sleep and plenty of exercise and cut out sugar.
Be like Ann