“Children don’t come with a manual.”
Well, that’s not strictly true – there are 1000s of parenting manuals, and if you’re a parent I am sure you’ve seen at least one of them.
So instead of any more rules and regulations – here are my 5 top tips, to add to the mix.
Or at least consider.
What do children want the most?
Aside from the latest iPhone (jokes)
YOU.
They want you.
Your time, your approval, your attention, your love.
That’s the main thing.
If all they see is you stressed and working, that’s what they’ll learn being a grown-up is about.
When asked, children often say they wish that their parents were less stressed and tired.
Little ones want you to close the laptop, put down the phone – and snuggle up with a book or a game as often as you can.
(bigger ones too – they just pretend they don’t)
What is the best after-school activity?
The ONE they most want to do.
They don’t NEED to learn ballet, the piano, extra French, and 3 sports.
There is now, more than ever before a ‘keeping up with the Farquars‘ pressure to send them to everything out there, to give them the cutting edge over their peers.
But the truth is, school is tiring enough –
they are learning so much every day and are constantly stimulated.
If it’s a whirlwind of after-school clubs every night, they’ll be exhausted and so will you.
Genuinely watch and ask to find out what they most love, and let them pursue it if they want to.
There is so much time when they are older to learn new things, but the time they’ll miss out on with you – can never be got back.
My eldest daughter didn’t start dancing properly until she was 12 – and then went on to win national titles (and she’s just qualified for actual Miss Universe in BodyBuilding – which is surreal. I am not sure how many other planets are competing, to be fair. Which is of course, all her own hard work and effort – but she was in no way ‘behind’.)
I saw other girls literally burned out at 13… and they’d been hard at it since they were 4, along with all the other things they were juggling.
The youngest one really didn’t want to do any outside formal hobbies but spent her time developing an awesome friendship group and getting fantastically skilled at art and animation.
Sports as well – it’s wonderful to be part of a team, but check that the tournament schedule won’t have you standing in a freezing field for most of the Winter if that’s not going to work for you as a family.
I would say, if I may be so bold as to offer some advice on this:
let them choose 1 interest to pursue – and let the others organically happen if you know they can manage it and it doesn’t interfere with everything else.
Wait till they REALLY nag you about it.
Keep it a treat, rather than ending up another chore for you all.
Power to the People.
And that includes the children.
Families, by nature, are hierarchical in structure – but that doesn’t need to be a game of Jailors and Prisoners.
It can be easy to fall into the ‘do as I say or else’ scenario… but whilst respect is important – being collaborative is more effective.
Our job is to teach them how to be fully functioning adults, so we have to help them grow – not just their bodies, but the decision-making parts of their brains – their executive skills.
If we constantly TELL them what to do, we don’t leave room for them to decide how to be.
If we don’t teach them to plan their own time, set weekly goals, and reflect on what they’ve done, we rob them of the ability to do those things for themselves.
And that can start super young.
If you ask them what they want to achieve, how they’d like their room to look, what days and times they’ll sit down to do homework – and find a system to remind themselves, you hand them the power of being master or mistress of their own destiny.
Children are actually great at this, and those who master it, find themselves naturally avoiding distractions, having self-discipline, and being able to weigh up the pros and cons.
Even setting their own rewards and punishments.
Try it.
They’ll surprise you.
And if not – you can always shut the door.
Onboard the Oldies
Studies have shown that children who spend time with their grandparents tend to have better social skills and tend to be more compassionate to others.
So if you do have grandparents on hand, definitely make regular arrangements for them to have their wiser, calmer, and hopefully less busy influence on your children’s growth.
And if you don’t (or the ones you have aren’t able/willing to fulfill the criteria):
Go on an oldie hunt!
A senior babysitter or childminder is a glorious thing,
volunteering at retirement homes and taking the children along is a fantastic idea for all concerned, but also finding hobbies you can do together where there is a mix of generations involved is very special.
Martial arts tend to be particularly brilliant at this.
Eat together… at the table.
Dining tables/breakfast bars are often covered in what we lovingly called ponk.
Laptops, books, paperwork, laundry, animal cages, felt tips, plant pots… making actually sitting down to eat at the thing – a mission in itself.
It’s tempting to eat in front of the telly with a tray, but if there’s one thing you can do for family harmony – even if it’s just the two of you…
is to sit together at the table.
With regards to dinner/tea/evening meal of your persuasion.
Can I urge you with every fibre of my being – to have that together at the table?
There are 100 great reasons for this, but in terms of family connection – this is a great time for a de-brief, chat, laugh, and catch up at an unhurried time.
If the children need to have theirs a little later, and you a little earlier – the payoffs for everyone are huge.
Bistro Breakfast
I am going to stick my neck out and say breakfast together is not necessarily the most important meal of the day – but the one that most nourishes the family unit.
It sets the tone of the day, gives everyone a chance to say ‘I love you’, ‘good luck’ ‘break a leg’ etc – and set intentions for the day.
It also reminds everyone else what is planned.
Put someone in charge of laying it with the essentials before bedtime, and even if you find yourself needing to leave at different times, it’s much more likely that everyone will eat something.
There’s a lovely little coffee shop/bistro that we love to have breakfast at – so we went online and downloaded their menu.
Then narrowed that down to the ones we all love – and rotated them.
We do bistro breakfast – not because I’m fancy, but because I’m lazy.
I definitely don’t want to be shouting for people to come downstairs and then making 3 different short-order breakfasts.
You can boil eggs in the time it takes to make toast and a cuppa.
You can chop up an avocado and toast some nuts before the coffee machine has finished.
Focussing on the protein to keep everyone going until lunchtime, is a great habit to get into –
steering away from sugary cereals is great for everyone to aim for.
If you collect together what you are going to have the night before and have it on plates all at once – you get valuable extra time together and a wonderful start to the day.
You can task one person with cutlery, another with drinks, another with loading the dishwasher – and become like a well-oiled breakfast machine.
It is worth it.
I promise.
So those are some of mine (for you to implement, roll your eyes at, scoff at, discard or consider)
What are yours?
And what would you like them to be?
What would be your top family tip that’s worked well so far – that we might not find in the parenting manuals?