The Ideal Woman
Being Heard > Gender Boxes
A few years ago we did this exercise this live at a rather fancy conference we ran.
We asked 2 questions:
- Describe the Ideal Woman.
‘Scribe volunteers’ from the room were appointed to write the words people called out, onto a flipchart:
2. What insults/derogatory names have they,
(or their sisters/mothers/female colleagues/daughters/friends)
been called in the past.
Those were also written on the flipchart.
note: After the conference, we heard that ‘the flipchart’ had been passed around all the hotel departments.
They’d never seen anything like it, and certainly not from a group of seemingly sensible, 40 some women doing self-development.
(Apparently, conference flip-charts tend not to be so sweary.)
We also asked the women of our FB Inner Circle group of almost 5000 people to describe their Ideal Woman.
The same words, phrases, and descriptions came up both online and at the conference.
Thee same words ALWAYS come up.
Here are those words/descriptions:
THE IDEAL WOMAN
- Discreet (doesn’t talk about periods/menopause)
- ‘Nice’ ‘ladylike’ and ‘sweet’
- Gentle, nurturing, and motherly/maternal
- Long-legged (that’s me out again)
- A natural beauty (not TOO much make-up)
- Fun / Bubbly Clever (but not too clever)
- Youthful (no wrinkles, saggy skin, or other signs of aging)
- Emotionally Strong (doesn’t go to pieces or get hysterical)
- Quite confident. (but not overly confident).
- Not ‘full of herself’ or ‘up her own arse’…
- Not mousy
- She doesn’t have bodily functions (like farting or burping)
- She doesn’t swear. (I’m out on both f^cking counts there)
- Not aggressively sexual
- Sexy (??!?? Make your mind up)
- Organised
- A good listener (but not too quiet in conversation)
- Not stressed or anxious
- Loving, supportive, and encouraging
- Dignified and Graceful
- Happy and carefree
It takes a little while to tease these answers out, in real life.
Behind a keyboard – it’s thick and fast.
The UNACCEPTABLE WOMAN
The answers for this always hit like a tsunami.
No need for time to think, every hand is up.
The names that women have been called in the past.
Ahem.
This isn’t pretty.
- Fatty
- Skinny
- Unf^ckable
- Emotional mess
- Bitch – Slut – Whore (these often arrive in a trio ‘bitchslutwhore’ and they ALWAYS come up)
- High maintenance
- Bag lady
- Fish wife
- Full of Herself
- Stuck up
- Wannabe
- Try-Hard
- Disgrace
- Freak Chav
- Basic B*tch
- Ugly/Fugly
- ‘Six- pinter’
- Butterface (nice body…but her face)
- Mumsy
- MILF
- Dyke
- Manly
- Drag act (too tall)
- Opinionated pussy
- Nag
- Gobby
- ‘Convertible’ (When a man decides he can change the sexual orientation of a gay woman, possibly with even the merest glance at his genitals)
- Hormonal
- Hysterical
- Mental
- Witch
- Rough
- Prick Tease
- Ice Maiden
- Frigid
- C**t
- Inferior / Weaker sex
- Stupid
This isn’t even the full list.
The full list is even more shocking, heart-breaking and sometimes involves violence or the threat of violence.
These words weren’t shouted to women brawling at the pub.
These were words that normal, often professional women, teachers, retail workers, hospitality industry workers, care workers, nurses, solicitors, business owners, mothers, young girls – EVERYONE had been called.
In quite everyday situations.
No one demographic or corner of society seems to have been spared.
The FB group, who I most recently polled for answers on this is a large one.
But it is just a Facebook group – without a particular interest or agenda.
For example, it’s not a group for abused women or activists.
It’s a pretty ‘across-the-board’ group of people interested in self-development.
Depressingly, we already knew what the answers would be before we asked them.
You could say sticks and stones, etc.
You could say, ‘they’re just words’.
But for some, the name-calling was accompanied by some kind of abuse or violence.
From unwanted touching – to far worse.
Nearly all women have a ‘story’ regarding this.
It’s so ubiquitous we almost don’t notice it.
Boobs being obviously stared at.
An unwanted touched bottom.
An unsolicited dick pic.
A cat call from a group when she’s walking alone.
Being cornered in a club.
Being flashed at.Being pressured for sex to enhance job prospects.
Having sex when she didn’t really want to but didn’t feel able to speak up.
Having sex when she really didn’t want to even though she DID speak up.
Everything in between.
The normalisation of the words is where it starts.
Question 3:
Well technically, a few questions, but they’re all about the same thing.
I’m interested in your general thoughts on this.
If you are a woman/identify as a woman, is what I just described, your experience?
Have you been lucky enough to be spared this?
Do you think it’s true that ALL women suffer from this kind of language?
Even ones who live in nice, middle-class areas?
Did we get an unlucky sample each time?
Have I missed any words for either the IDEAL or UNACCEPTABLE woman?
Have you noticed anything about the similarities between what we call the Unacceptable Man vs the Unacceptable Woman?