The Spotlight & The Freeze
(and Applying Antifreeze When You’re Stuck)
In Gender Boxes, we looked at where problematic words, situations, and behaviour begin.
Now let’s point a microscope at one kind of those situations.
You might be familiar with it. It’s called the Freeze.
It’s when you feel awkwardly in the spotlight – or on the spot, under immediate pressure.
Maybe a time that you didn’t know what to say and you just clammed up, blurted something out that you later wish you hadn’t, or agreed to something that you didn’t want.
The aim of this section is to think a little bit more about why that happens, what the effects are, how to stop it, and how to future-proof yourself against it happening in the future.
A little like the exercise in Gender Boxes, this one leads you through a process.
It helps you reclaim the power that the Freeze takes away.
I learned this on a course run by the Incredible Kasha Urbaniak.
Kasia was once a Taoist monk and interestingly, she also was a trainer for dominatrices.
(Buy her book – Unbound – A Woman’s Guide to Power, it’s incredible.)
I bought copies for my daughter and my female friends.
For those who don’t know, a dominatrix is a dominant female, often in sensual or sexual situations, either recreationally with a partner or within the sex industry.
Even more interestingly, I think, and I didn’t know this, is that professional dominatrices don’t always offer actual sex.
It rarely happens and they don’t necessarily inflict pain.
But obviously, both of those things can happen.
The main purpose is domination and that everything must be consensual and agreed.
It’s the very definition of power dynamics – in a role-play situation.
And so is the Freeze.
It’s an example of a power dynamic, in practice, (except for the consent, agreement, and role-play parts!)
You’ll see what I mean…
What you will learn this week how to easily flip a power dynamic that’s shutting you down and causing The Freeze.
To get yourself off the spot and use your voice, to send the attention back to the other person instead.
Also to use the right amount of pressure and pushback for any given situation.
This isn’t about going into battle.
These are tools, not weapons.
And their job is to keep yourself from entering a state of speechlessness and shutdown.
You’ll find there are times that you’ll want to respond to someone with a light touch and sometimes a heavier, stronger – even harsher tone will be more appropriate for the situation.
The aim fof this is to learn the tools that will allow you to break out of the freeze and to regain your ability to speak or to teach that to other people.
By the way, this isn’t about dealing with dangerous people or when you’re directly threatened.
My advice (obviously) in that situations is simple:
Get yourself the heck out of there, make yourself safe and report it to whoever it needs reporting to.
By the end of this you’ll understand why The Freeze happens in the first place.
You’ll know how to apply that appropriate pressure and you’ll build your confidence in those different situations.
It is a very physical phenomenon.
When you experience the freeze, you’re likely to become speechless, feel trapped, be unable to move, almost while your mind searches frantically for a response.
You’ll tense up.
You’ll possibly say yes, or imply agreement or consent before you’ve had time to think.
When you want to say no, you might experience moments of shame or self-blame afterwards.
We’ll unpack this later, but first we need some context.
This is where I deviate from Urbaniak’s teaching, because she only speaks to women.
This isn’t just about women speaking up and agreeing to things that you’d rather not.
I want to stress that this is something that applies to anyone of any gender, in any unfair power dynamic.
That’s what we’ll look at next.
Question 1:
Can you remember a time that you’ve felt The Freeze, when you’ve been put on the spot?
- How did you react?
- How did you feel?
- What happened?