Recently I had some mortal moments.
Doctor thing – was possibly a massive brain tumour for a while – turned out to be something else that looked like one – but there was a fair bit of worry. (Will definitely blog the whole thing, but as I’m still in the process of fixing things, I think it will be more useful to be totally out the other side of it, so I have the rest of the story. It’ll be a meaty read!)
But anyway – upshot is – what will be will be – one way or the other – I’ll sort it.
And I am, as it turns out – rather ridiculously competitive. Even with recovering from rather dramatic sounding treatment.
I already won the ‘best rash’ and the ‘quickest back in the gym’ competitions… so it all looks very positive.
I’m OK.
But for the 15 minute journey home – before I manned up – I had a bit of a ‘mortal moment’.
FFS. In a brief histrionic interlude, I wondered: What if that actually WAS it? What if it were ‘time up’. Have I done enough? (NO) Did I do the things I wanted to (NOT ALL BY ANY STRETCH) Am I happy with things? (WELL MY CHILDREN ARE BEYOND ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DARED DREAM – BUT THE REST….HMMM. COULD TRY HARDER)
Which lead me to thinking about the old people.
SURELY.
In your 80s and faced with an oncoming end to your story; SURELY you have more wisdom to impart.
I wanted to go home and write and implore and send rockets up arses.
Older women reading this. You know the score. You can express this better than I ever could in a moment of impending mortality.
Faced with a life limiting condition, or something you aren’t going to get better from, or just that you have lived longer than people normally do… Do you have a DUTY to tell everyone how it really is.
The years you spend not deciding. Making do. Putting things off. Seriously. Are they really spare?
When you are 16 you think you are going to live forever and if you make mistakes you can keep starting again. Well you can. But not as many times as you think. You can’t leave it until after Xmas/Easter/The Summer… because those f&ckers keep coming round. And then you run out of them.
Older ladies – PLEASE tell your story. Because there is this disconnect between the young and the old at the moment that is doing EVERYONE a disservice. Being quiet and biding your time, simply doesn’t cut it. You owe your fellow women more than that and you DO hold all the secrets.
Sorry but you do.
Even if the ones before you didn’t meet their side of the bargain.
You are the keepers of the answers to the questions that young women stumble over – generation after generation.
Here’s some of mine: Should you have a boob job (NO) There is a 36% rise in boob jobs. Boobs come in all shapes and sizes and they don’t have to be big. Or perfect. You are beautiful as you are. Seriously.
Do you need to lose weight? Maybe not. You are a healthy size 12 or 14 (like Marilyn Monroe) – have you considered you might in fact be achingly gorgeous? That someone might go to bed at night thinking about you and wishing you’d notice them. Many women are so obsessed with the ridiculous images that shout across their media ‘set menu’ to the point that they don’t realise how sexy they are already. A thigh gap has absolutely nothing to do with it – nor does 6-pack for that matter. Red herrings in the extreme.
Should You have children? Maybe. Maybe not. We need women who don’t have children to push the bar for the rest of us, and we need women who do have children to keep the species going. It’s all important. Whichever you choose should be for you – there are plenty of other buggers taking the other option, so you really don’t have to worry about anyone else.
Should You stay at home and look after the children? I have written at length about this before. You are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don’t – so SERIOUSLY do what will make you happiest.
Should You get married? Hmmm. Only if you love them and can’t imagine an hour not in contact with them. Only if they make you laugh. Only if they have stopped making you keep one eye out on who else is out there. You’ll know. Don’t do it ‘on balance’. It is 2016. You don’t need an excuse for a nice dress and a party. Just have that if that’s what you’re after.
Should You go for the promotion? YES. What’s the worst that could happen? YOU DON’T GET IT. What will definitely happen if you don’t go for it? YOU WON’T GET IT. Then don’t be a idiot, use logic. GO FOR IT. GO FOR IT AGAIN. When things turn to shit and your back’s against the wall… bloody go for it again, as if your life depended on it. We are supposed to learn and expand and grow. See HERE for more on that.
Should You have this Creme Egg even though I have been bitching at you (Tanya) for 3 months about how fed up I am with my body? Well NO. Man up. Don’t buy it. Throw it away. Some people are genuinely facing serious hardship and you are trying to justify another piece in the puzzle that keeps you overweight, as a point of ‘balance’ or 80:20 or whatever you have decided tonight’s justification is. Or eat it and accept your choices.
n.b. You will not die if you don’t have your ‘candy’. You won’t even be in pain. You will have a temporary craving which will pass in about 3 minutes (sooner than that if you listen to the recordings that Tanya & Claire have made for you to help in such situations).
Can You be slim? Yes. If you get on with it and do the things every day you need to do. Do you NEED to be? Well that is the more interesting question. The answer is NO. Healthy yes. Slim. That’s a whole different thing that is nothing about right and wrong. And I’m getting there shortly (stopped writing blogs during this whole thing for preventative reasons…. would have been way too ranty and ain’t nobody got time for that, as a wise woman once said)
Can You be happy? Yep – if you (wo)man up and make the changes you need to and stop blaming everyone else or living in fear. And get on with it. You don’t have as long as you think. And I would put good money on the fact that there really are no martyrdom prizes.
This is where the World needs older ladies to step up. In a moment of clarity or madness (I never can decide) – I can write these things, and they might be a little on the naive side. You can put me right.
I am 43 which isn’t terribly old (but obviously is borderline prehistoric if you are 30)
WHAT advice could you give?
WHERE are people focusing unnecessarily?
HOW can we focus on the things that make us happy? We seriously aren’t getting out of here alive.
You may live to a hundred, get run over by a bus tomorrow, or get a degenerative illness you never saw coming.
You don’t have as much time as you think. I know that much.
I wonder if older women don’t feel as heard or as relevant.
Talk to them. Ask them what they’ve learned.
What if you had bad news tomorrow – what would you do? What would you change? How would things be.
Seriously.
DO THAT
Come on older people. Speak up.
Other people: you have wisdom. Tell your story.
The internet is full of cat videos and adverts for mascara, but it is real stories that change peoples’ lives.
You know something that you have learned that you wish you knew before. “I wish I knew then what I do now”.
Tell the people who could do with knowing now.
I am a little bit cross that the conspiracy among parents ‘never to let on to pregnant couples quite how AXIS-TURNING the baby’s arrival will be for your planet’ is very similar to how ‘getting older and realising you are not going to live forever’ is for older people.
Both groups of people should fess up and tell the new people how it is.
So they can make some properly informed decisions.
And that Creme Egg or Boob Job or Marriage, Running Away or Job Interview – is a TOTAL decision whose repercussions only you will have to face. And whose regrets for not doing them are yours along (but God they will last). None of anything is ultimately anyone elses fault and you are not trapped. You choose. You keep choosing and you really only have yourself to blame. Or congratulate.
For your triumphs, your beautiful children, your boring job, the book you wrote, your overweight, your 6-pack, your illness from not giving up the fags, the one you let get away, your soul-mate for life. All of that was you, and the tiny choices you made every day.
It’s still all up for grabs from here on in.
What are you going to do?