Relationship Chapters
Like a cosmic collision of 2 planets –
when people who had been orbiting separate spaces form a relationship, the outcome are unpredictable.
As unique like the two people involved in them!
That said, behavioural scientists talk about different stages that most couples find themselves moving through.
I’ve read about anywhere from 3 to 10 chapters, so I have consensed some, into a nice round 4 ‘chapters’ that cover most bases.
Again, useful whether you are currently in a relationship or not, as you can find clues about where you’d like things with any future partner – and navigate the stages as they arise.
The Chapters
1. The ‘Head over Heels’ Chapter
You’re just getting together, you love everything about them – little faults are ‘cute quirks’, you want to spend as much time together as you can.
In your brain – the activity in your pre-frontal cortex (the part where reasoning happens) is often reduced.
Also it’s flooded with lovely dopamine, which means you feel lots of pleasure.
This means that you are more likely to suspend negative judgement, feel fantastic – and everything can be just dreamy!
2. ‘We are a Thing’ Chapter
This is an evolution in you as a couple.
You’ve probably got over some initial squabbles and things are developing into something deeper.
You’ve developed your own ways of doing things, building your own history to reminisce on, share inside jokes and language.
You’ve settled into your own roles, rules and who normally does what!
Also, different brain chemicals start to come into play; Oxytocin (the cuddle and closeness chemical), and Vasopressin (the ‘protect the princess’ peptide).
They are linked to a different part of the brain, more concerned with attachment.
3. ‘The Itch’
This is the end of the road for lots of couples.
Most to a greater or lesser degree – will tend to drift apart somewhere from 5 years onwards.
Unresolved issues, leading very separate lives, lack of sex, secrecy, lack of common purpose (or even letting personal grooming go out of the window) can cause many people to just call it a day.
This is a common time for romantic or emotional affairs to begin.
It seems more work to fix, than to just start over with someone new – or on their own.
HOWEVER
If the work is put in to address the issues that are causing the itch –
it’s like defeating a boss in a computer game.
Or getting through ‘the ordeal’ in The Hero’s Journey.
After The Itch … comes the reward.
Which is the 4th stage.
4. The ‘ Deep Loving Calm’ Chapter
Things like pregnancy and the different stages of parenting, illness, redundancy, and financial difficulties can make reaching this stage at all, a rocky path.
Whilst there’s no doubt that the Head Over Heels chapter is exciting – in the Deep Loving Calm chapter, the depth of adoration you now share feels deeper, reciprocal, reliable and respectful.
Those fortunate enough to make it to the Deep Loving Calm chapter reap the rewards of having a true life partner.
What many of those at this stage realise – is that they can cherry-pick the best aspects of the earlier chapters to keep things wonderful.
Doing new things together, avoiding a rut, making time to ‘date’, and staying physically intimate – can help you reach that nirvana of a long loving life together.
Questions:
- Which chapter would you say you are in?
- What lessons have you learned from this current chapter?
- If you could write the chapter differently – what would you change?
- How will you write the next one (if there is another one ahead)?