Flipping the Power Dynamic
This time, I am going to present you with some uncomfortable questions.
They might be the kinds of questions you’ve been asked in the past.
Strange though it sounds – you are never obliged to answer a question.
NEVER.
Not ever.
Remember the submissive and dominant states.
The questioner positions themselves as the dominant.
But this doesn’t mean you have to be submissive.
You don’t have to be anything.
You get to choose.
EXERCISE 2
I want you to answer the question with a question, and not answer the actual question.
It sounds really easy, but we’ve tried this in real life with groups of people and I promise people find it really difficult!
Almost always – people directly answer the question.
If we do this in a group, it takes me asking at least five different people until someone DOESN’T answer the question with the actual answer.
It is a reflex and nearly everyone has it, and we are going to train ourselves out of it.
Focus on the bodily responses that come up.
These will be useful to you, there is no wrong.
We are not calibrating this at the moment –
it doesn’t matter how rude or spiky you are, as long as you don’t answer the question.
Or even if it’s not overly coherent (for now).
Imagine the spotlight is a ball.
You’ve been thrown the ball, you can freeze with it, you can try to do something with it, you can drop it.
Or you can just throw it straight back (Which is what we want).
Put the ‘asker’ on the spot with a question.
Just let rip, do what feels right.
I am going to pose some slightly provocative questions, that I want you to answer out loud as quickly, and as confidently as you can.
OR (better yet) role-play this with someone else.
Have them ask you the question – and you answer them, without missing a beat.
It will take a bit of practice, but that’s what we’re doing.
Let’s do this…
THE QUESTIONS:
QUESTION 1:
What qualifies YOU to say that?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- Why do you ask?
- What is your real question?
- What qualifies you to ask me that?
- What credentials do I need to have a point of view?
- Do you enjoy questioning people like that
- Are you asking to see my qualifications?
QUESTION 2:
Can you drop what you’re doing,
and help me with this report?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- How critical is it?
- Can you give me 30 minutes to finish what I’m doing and I’ll see if I can help?
- Can you tell me more about exactly what you need?
- What happens if I say no?
- Who else have you asked?
QUESTION 3:
Can I take you out for a drink?
(DO NOT ANSWER – ask a question back)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- What inspired you to ask?
- Are you asking me on a date?
- Do you often cross professional boundaries?
- Will your wife be joining us?
- How long have you wanted to ask me that?
QUESTION 4:
What kind of leadership role will you be able to handle once you have this child?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- Are you a parent yourself?
- Do other people on your leadership team have children?
- Have you asked the same question to the men on the team?
QUESTION 5:
What (or who) did you have to do to get this job?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- Why did you ask that question?
- Does my position surprise you?
- What kind of question is that?
- Are you looking for ways to bypass some skills you’re lacking?
- Are you looking for a mentor?
QUESTION 6:
With those lips, I bet you’re good at b******s. Are you?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- What makes you feel that it’s ok to ask that question?
- Do you realise that can feel very violating?
- Do you want me to report you for that?
- Why would you ask me such a personal question?
- Do YOU like giving b******s?
QUESTION 7:
Don’t you think you should clean up this house?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
Here are some possible responses to give you ideas:
- Are you suggesting I employ a cleaner?
- Will you be asking everyone in the house?
- Are you unhappy with how I allocate my time?
- Do you think that’s a provocative question?
QUESTION 8:
Aren’t you a little old to be wearing that?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
- Are you saying I don’t look attractive?
- Are you trying to make me feel bad?
- Did I ask for your fashion advice?
- What’s your REAL question?
- Is that any way to treat your elders?
(I HOPE YOU’RE SHOUTING AT THE SCREEN)
QUESTION 9:
Are you trying to turn me on, wearing that sexy outfit?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
- Can you explain what you mean by that?
- Are you trying to make me uncomfortable with that question?
- Shall we ask HR if my outfit is within company policy?
- Are you listening to yourself? Do you think it’s OK to ask that?
- Do you know what you sound like, asking a question like that?
QUESTION 10:
How far are you willing to go to get this job?
(what do you say back? What’s your question?)
- What exactly are you saying?
- How far did you go to get yours?
- What kind of measuring stick are we talking about here?
How was that?
Did you notice a range of answers?
Did you notice the light / heavy touches in my answers?
Do you think yours were light/heavy/cheeky/angry?
Exercise 3:
Practice answering the 10 sample questions, and make up some of your own to practice on.
Notice if your default is a light or heavy touch as you practice.