#2 Deck The Halls With Healthy Boundaries.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la- la-laaaa.
Christmas is a heady cocktail of quite an impressive number of recognised stress categories;
Emotional Stress, Relationship Stress, Financial Stress, Performance Stress, Decision-Making Stress, Parenting Stress, Coping Stress, Time-Related Stress, Social Stress – even Existential Stress!
Not to mention potential burnout – especially if you were heading that way anyway.
There’s nothing like the spirit of Christmas to amplify the need for personal space.
If we’re going to spread peace, charity, and goodwill to all humans – Boundary Setting has to be a vital tool in our festive toolkit.
Boundaries are not barriers.
They are guidelines for how we expect to be treated.
Boundaries are how we safeguard our mental and emotional well-being especially during stressful times.
If anything they are gateways to better relationships.
1. Boundaries = Self-Care
When people talk about bubble baths and foot spas as acts of self-care (lovely ‘cherries on top’ that they are),
They are not going to make much of a dent if there are more fundamental issues keeping you awake at night.
If you are being treated like a doormat, spending time seething, frustrated, or sad about other people’s actions – you’ve got more fundamental issues to tackle.
Taking some time to work out what those boundaries are and why they are important to you is time well spent.
Even knowing you are going to be irritated by someone (because that always happens) is stressful in itself.
Putting in boundaries is a preventative measure, which means everyone has a better time.
2. Boundaries are for the Long Run
Psychologists often use the analogy of boundaries working like bumpers in a bowling alley.
They gently steer our interactions and communication towards better outcomes – and away from disastrous ones.
They guard us from repeating old destructive dances we might habitually dance with other people.
It is human nature for most people not to want to cause upset to others. Putting in boundaries can feel like you are being deliberately upsetting and feel uncomfortable.
Counterintuitive.
Even a bit of a git.
Boundaries, when set thoughtfully, not only protect your well-being but can also enrich our relationships by establishing healthier patterns of interaction.
If you are seeing people over Christmas, the chances are these are family or special friends – so getting things right is worth the effort.
Putting in boundaries is almost always difficult at the beginning but means you can have a much better relationship in the long term.
Change is never comfortable.
What’s on the other side of it almost always is.
3. Get Practical:
It’s all very well thinking:
I need to put in boundaries, but how will that actually look?
Could you decide on some of these things in advance?
Example:
You won’t join in with contentious conversations. If the person who always pushes your buttons, starts – you could say:
‘I’m not going to have this conversation’
That’s a boundary.
If they continue you could say:
‘Excuse me, everyone, I’m going to do some things in the kitchen.”
You’ve remained calm, not got sucked into the vortex and retained dignity and with your boundary intact.
Example:
You are not enjoying your spouse’s previous Christmas open house policy.
Setting specific times for people to visit, or that you will visit
“Would you like to pop round between 4 and 6”
or
“We’ve got a couple of hours to visit, if you’re free between 4 & 6”
can manage expectations if that’s a change from the usual and done in advance.
“It’s just going to be the 5 of us on Christmas Day – can we make an arrangement for all of us to get together the following week? Maybe a meal at a pub?”
or
“It’s just going to be the 5 of us on Christmas Day, but we would love to do a Zoom check-in with everyone, are you up for that?”
Obviously, you don’t have to give reasons, but if you’ve got one to soften the blow, why not?
That’s a boundary.
I won’t be looking at work emails from Dec 22nd to Jan 2nd.Please make sure you’ve talked to me about anything urgent before that.
A very Happy Christmas to you and your family.
That’s a boundary that you could include in all your email footers now.
4. Assertiveness:
Assertiveness is key in boundary setting.
If you’ll indulge me in some sweeping generalisations; women still often experience pushback from their assertiveness in some situations.
A combination of ‘patriarchally-influenced’ people around them, outdated societal norms, and even their own family upbringing can play their parts.
Women who assert themselves still may face negative reactions, such as being labelled as aggressive or bossy.
Not to mention perhaps being physically smaller than the person you are trying to assert yourself with (I’m physically smaller than most people, period.)
The fear of backlash can discourage some women from being assertive.
It could also be said that the British as a nation tend to favour politeness and manners.
(to be fair it was in fairly short supply yesterday in Asda’s cheese aisle).
Expressing dissatisfaction or ‘making a fuss’ may be seen as impolite or confrontational for any gender or nationality.
The point is, I recognise it isn’t always easy to assert yourself.
For some people, it feels positively excruciating.
If that’s you, I really encourage you to think about your right to establish boundaries that prioritise your wellbeing????.
And to examine any lingering notions that anyone else’s needs should take precedence over what yours.
Asserting a boundary is simply expressing your needs respectfully and directly, without the need for justification or over-explanation.
5. Adjust, rinse and repeat.
Boundaries don’t need to be set in stone.
They can be adjusted as your needs evolve.
If a boundary doesn’t work out the way you expected to, feel free to modify it.
Keeping the aim of preserving your peace in mind.
Is this boundary still relevant?
Is it still effective?
Has the issue actually resolved itself?
Does it need a tweak?
Has my newfound assertive boundary-setting gone to my head, have I turned into a megalomaniac and am I just being bloody-minded and power-crazed now?
“You may visit me at 3:52pm exactly, a moment later and I will shun you forever”.
Kind of thing.
6. Meeting resistance?
Excellent – you’re probably on the right track.
It’s common for other people to dig their heels in when you set a new boundary.
Doubly so if it challenges their ego or if they feel a loss of privilege.
If you’re being polite and reasonable, see that as an indication that your boundaries are taking effect.
Stand firm in your decisions, knowing they are made in the best interest of your mental and emotional health??.
It will settle.
You know when you get strapped into a ride at a theme park, and you test how secure the safety bar is by pushing against it?
That’s what it’s like when people test your boundaries.
When they realise it’s not going anywhere – they tend to stop.
(Other people will ask to get off the ride. Also their prerogative)
????????????
Action:
So, as you adjust your baubles, and try to avoid being Whammed! (they got me at the gym yesterday), take a moment to consider your boundaries.
Casting your mind back to those ’emotionally taxing’ past Christmases you thought about before
- Can you think of a boundary you could have put in place that would have had better outcomes?
- What could you have said, declined, put in place, done, or otherwise insisted upon that could have changed the game?
- Write down some assertive, ‘personal-peace-driven’, practical Christmas boundaries for any potentially similar upcoming events/situations, this festive season.
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