The Fallout
Let’s recap that ideal man and woman who are ‘In the box’ labelled Ideal and Acceptable, when put out to the public vote.
(these are the words and descriptions that span continents and socio-economic, age and gender groups)
When we talk about the Ideal woman, professionally – the jobs that she does are supportive or nurturing.
Perhaps teacher, librarian or nurse.
When people talk about the ideal woman personally, often she is described as a housewife or mother.
She is heterosexual and monogamous and has very few sexual partners at all (even now) and professionally, we rarely, instinctively, put her in leadership roles.
It’s almost as though deep down we feel she isn’t quite ‘acting like a lady’ in that position of leadership.
There is a subtext that ideally, she should be home with the children.
She’s a caregiver and nurturer.
Married, kids, in that order…
And that Ideal Man is tall, athletic, clearly he works out, bro.
He’s likes playing and watching sport.
Career-wise, he might be something manly like a police officer or firefighter, perhaps a soldier or a lumberjack.
He could be the CEO or a company; a man’s man – the boss, in a position of power or strength.
Of course, he’s in a relationship with a woman, and often he’s in a relationship with many women, ‘playing the field’.
It’s quite acceptable for him to be ‘playing the field’ until he settles down.
Maybe a lot of partners.
Younger people might even use the moniker: ‘f^ck boy’, or ‘fboy’ without it being particularly detrimental.
It means the same thing.
(Gen Z/Alpha might have moved onto something equally charming by now.
I’m trying not to keep up, quite frankly.)
We call him a ‘lady’s man’, or a player, with a little knowing wink.
The point is, he can be promiscuous without damaging his reputation, long term.
If he gets married he’s a great provider and protector.
He’s very fit, strong, and active.
So these are the ideal Men and Women – in ‘The Box’.
Good for them, right?
But it gets problematic when we look at the language that people use to criticise both men and women
(or those who identify as them).
The words used when we present ourselves to the world in an ‘unacceptable’, ‘not in the box’, kind of a way.
The list of insults are hard to read;
harder still when we remember they are actual words, levelled at real people.
Women
Culturally speaking:
Q) What do we DO TO HER when she’s outside the box – when she doesn’t meet the ideal?
A) We isolate her, bully her both online and in person, pick on her, ‘cancel’ her, mock her… and that list descends all the way to, at the extreme end – rape and murder.
Q) And what does she do to herself?
A) Statistically we see that she develops eating disorders, self-harm behaviours, suffers anxiety, depression, substance abuse, low self-esteem.
She might post often to social media (particularly filtered selfies) to try to elicit approval.
She might withdraw.
Perhaps she becomes aggressive,
jumping between quick fixes and extreme diets.
She can become a people pleaser even a ‘doormat’.
She can become obsessed with appearance, even developing cosmetic surgery addiction.
She might engage in risky sexual behaviours.
At the extreme end is suicide.
Men
Q) What do we DO TO HIM when he’s outside the box – when he doesn’t meet the ideal?
A) We isolate him, bully him, pick on him, make fun of him, call him names, humiliate him.
He will very likely experience physical harm.
If he’s younger he’s going to experience things like being shoved into a locker or being pushed around at school.
And just like the women, if he’s outside the box – the extreme end of the list includes rape and murder.
Q) And what does he do to himself?
He maybe starts to work out excessively to appear more ‘manly’;
abuses steroids to expedite the process.
He can spend an unhealthy amount of time online, gaming and inhabiting the darker areas of the internet.
Becomes withdrawn or obsessed with taking the ‘perfect selfie’.
More commonly he employs negative coping skills like drug and alcohol misuse, self-harm, gambling and eating disorders.
He can become the aggressor or the bully.
Q) What do we do to a man who isn’t inside the box?
At the extreme end again, sadly, is suicide.
All genders can also experience problems with debt as they try to buy products, possessions and procedures in a bid to get ‘back in the box’.
While we are on the subject:
1 in 6 men will be sexual assaulted in his lifetime.
As will 1 in 4 women.
Men are less likely to report the assault and are more likely to commit suicide because of it.
He is slightly more protected from sexual violence.
The numbers are still alarming, but relative to women he is somewhat protected.
Being outside the box is very serious.
It can cost you your mental health, your physical health, your happiness, your prospects, your relationships.
It can cost you your life.
There is nothing wrong with being a In The Box.
Being a pretty, demure heterosexual, cupcake baking, yoga practicing, part-time nurse, mother of 2, with long legs, a flat-tummy and lovely manners.
Or chisel-jawed, rugby-playing, firefighting, water-skiing, dad of 3 – a wonderful protector and provider (with a full head of hair).
Question 4:
How ‘In the box’ do you feel you are?