Exercise 5: Ambiguous Situations
Ambiguous Situations
Say What You See.
The idea here is when faced with ambiguous communication, we feel pressure.
Often we let an unfair comment pass unacknowledged, lose our cool or brood about it later.
So we call out the duality in our location statement:
It seems like __________, but it also seems like__________.
Then verify with: Is that true?
In those cases, we can use the Location Tool to get a direct statement, either to end the matter or take control and turn the spotlight.
When we feel unsettled, it is important to give the people concerned, instant feedback.
This also gives them the opportunity to explain themselves, back down or apologise.
It gives you both a starting point for honest discussion.
You get to set boundaries and teach others what you will and won’t accept.
Add your own dual location statements to the following scenarios.
How would you phrase your answers?
Scenario:
You have been having a series of very promising professional conversations with a man who is a powerhouse in your field.
You are meeting in the lobby bar of his hotel… when his tone changes.
He says:
“I have a lot of influence in this industry and have been known to be very helpful to my friends.
A friend like me could be very useful to you. Come upstairs. Let’s get to know each other better”.
CAN YOU RESPOND WITH TWO LOCATION STATEMENTS?
Sample Response:
- “It seems like you are offering to help me with my career. It also seems like I would have to be your friend for you to help me with my career.”
- “It seems like being your friend means coming upstairs to your hotel room. It also seems like you’re saying I would have to sleep with you to get your help.”
Scenario:
Women Are So Emotional!
You have been working on a project with your favourite colleague. You are working on a pitch and have several options to choose from. But you feel very strongly about one of them.
He says,
“I think you are unreasonably emotionally attached to your choice and I don’t think you are seeing things clearly. I think you’d be better off letting me make the final call.”
Can you respond with two location statements?
Sample Responses:
“It seems like you want to help me with this. It also seems like don’t trust me to make a decision, because I’m a woman. Is that true?
“It seems like you want a great outcome here. It also seems as though you’re saying I’m too emotional. Is that true?
Scenario:
“You’re Such a Troublemaker”
You’re the only woman on your organisation’s senior leadership team.
In the past, there have been several cases where men were promoted directly into more senior positions, whereas leadership roles that could have gone to women, were aggressively recruited for.
You come to your boss, very well prepared, to discuss this issue.
Her immediate response:
“I am very disappointed in you. You are a member of the leadership team and yet you’re stirring up all this bad feeling in the team.”
Sample Responses:
“It seems like you’re not hearing my request. And it seems like you’re scared of ruffling feathers. Is that true?”
“It seems like you had to go through a lot to get where you are. It also seems like you’re feeling risk-averse. Is that true?”
“It seems like you’d be the perfect person in the perfect position to make a real change at this company. And it seems like you’re not quite ready to step into that role yet. Is that true?”
“It seems like there may be other factors here. It seems like you don’t feel secure and safe enough to tell me about them. Is that true?”
Scenario:
“You’re So Good, You Won’t Get a Pay Rise”
At your annual review, your boss tells you that you’re easily the best performer on the team.
He has nothing but good things to say about your performance, and only wishes the men (you’re the only woman on the team) were as competent as you.
He informs you you will not be getting a pay rise this year, though others will.
The reason:
Because of your brilliant negotiation skills, the company gave you a higher starting salary than the one originally intended for the position. Now the men need a chance to catch up.
“So, even though you won’t be getting a pay rise this year, you should get one next year if your performance remains stellar. I hope you understand.”
Can you respond with two location statements?
Sample Response:
“It seems like you’re telling me that I’m fantastic. It seems like you’re telling me that my original salary was well-deserved. It also seems like you’re telling me I won’t be getting a pay rise because others aren’t quite as competent as I am.
Is that true?”
Scenario:
“Are We Actually Dating?”
You met someone on a dating app three weeks ago. Since you first matched, they have initiated chats with you every single day. The two of you have made plans to meet in person three times, and each time, they apologetically cancelled a few hours before.
Use the Location Tool to gain some clarity.
Sample Responses:
- “It seems like you’re enjoying getting to know me.It also seems like you have a chronic habit of cancelling plans last minute. Is that true?”
- “It seems like you’re excited to meet me, but you don’t have the time. Is that true?”
- “It seems like you enjoy having a flirtation, but aren’t interested in meeting in person. Is that true?”
- “It seems like you like me, but you’re scared to actually meet up. Is that true?”
Exercise 5
Add your own dual location statements to the scenarios above.
How would you phrase things?
Can you think of examples of difficult scenarios in your own life to practice the technique with?