The Spotlight & The Freeze – Exercise 1
Being Heard
I Could Ask
Noticing your body’s Freeze response is a critical first step towards being able to take control of it.
I asked you yesterday to remember a time you experienced the Freeze.
If you’re playing along (and I really encourage you to), take a moment to write down the physical sensations.
What did you feel in your body?
- Did you feel your body heat up?
- Go cold?
- Did you feel angry?
- Did you hurriedly answer in a way you later wish you hadn’t
- Did you not answer at all?
- Did your heart race?
- Did your mind start speeding through 1000 different thoughts?
- Did your mouth go dry?
- Did you feel like crying?
- Like shouting?
Once you know your particular Freeze – you can practice doing something different.
You will see it coming and confidently switch into that new mode.
Let’s remember what’s at stake when we Freeze:
- Unwanted things happen to us.
- We can miss important opportunities.
- A bully receives no feedback and continues their behaviour.
- People who want to abuse their power can exploit your panic or confusion.
- They may not even know they are doing it – so you could potentially save someone else from their behaviour.
So shall we begin?
Before we move on to EXERCISE 1,
I want you to consider the power dynamics at play during ‘question asking’.
When you ask someone a direct question, YOU are in a dominant state.
You turn the attention away from you and onto the other person.
It’s almost like you’ve thrown them the attention ball.
When you are hit with the attention of a question – it’s a vulnerable state, we could call that the submissive state.
You are on the spot, searching for an answer.
So we’ll start… gently…. by being the Dom(me). And your task is to ask a question.
Exercise 1 – “I COULD ASK”
The idea here is to get REALLY comfortable with asking for things – and hearing NO as the answer. When I asked this question to a large group:
“Can you think of a time you DIDN’T ask a question and later wished you had?”
The reason was almost always – being scared of the answer NO.
Logic tells us that if we DON’T ask, the answer is always no. NOT asking is always a no. So just asking, dramatically increases your chances. But the fear of the NO is a major reason that we don’t ask.
We heard stories of major opportunities that were missed out on.
And that some of the best things that happened in people’s lives, were when they bravely asked a difficult question, and the answer was an unexpected yes.
You have to be in it to win it.
Let’s do this…
Think of the most vulnerable request you could possibly make of the person whose attention you would love the most,
then practice mentally hearing them say NO.
It doesn’t have to be Jason Momoa, but someone you would very much like a YES to something from.
- Your boss
- The bank manager
- Your landlord
- Someone at work
- A person you used to go to school with
In light of the Gender Boxes attitudes we looked at, it might seem especially daunting to ask men for things – due to those societal expectations.
The reality is that intimidating people come in all genders. The challenge is really in the dynamics of power, confidence, and our own fears of rejection.
This exercise is about building the courage to make requests and handle rejection, wherever that comes from.
It has to be a concrete, specific ask. And you’re not going to do this in real life (probably) this is an exercise.
The Rules:
Imagine yourself in that ‘Domme’ state – and ask for something slightly outrageous.
In a confident, clear, voice.
(If you were an actual dominatrix or dom you wouldn’t be timid – channel that!)
You would ask very definitely.
Like giving a military order.
That’s the energy we are going for.
What if the answer is a NO?
We have to deal with disappointment which Urbaniak tells us is an introspective-submissive state.
The answer is learning to get really comfortable with the no.
What most people do – is not TRY in the first place, to protect themselves from the NO.
Receiving NO with a head held high and a calm smile.
NOT with an introspective examination of why you are not good enough for a yes.
Let’s practice asking questions – when you expect the answer to be no.
Example: Stranger you have been admiring from afar for months:
“Buy me flowers and take me to the cinema on Tuesday.”
I mean, they could say yes, but they are as likely to think you’ve lost your mind (or mistaken them for someone else).
Are you ready to give it a go – have you got a question in mind?
Have you got someone in mind you could ask?
- I could ask my neighbour – Ian, to wash my car & take it for an MOT.
- I could ask my boss Matthew to make me a partner in the company.
- I could ask the hot barista in the coffee shop to give me free coffee and take me out to dinner later.
- I could ask my Personal Trainer to give me a year of free sessions.
Exercise 1:
Imagine I’m counting you down – then I want you to ask the question out loud.
3,2,1 GO!
Ask something else.
Be outrageous.
Ask for bigger and bigger things.
Expect the no.
Be comfortable with it.
Role play it with someone else, if you have a handy human there.
The reason we practice and desensitise ourselves to the NO with outrageous questions is that it makes asking normal, realistic questions a total breeze .
When you don’t ask the question – the answer is always no. 100% Failure. Asking raises your odds to at least 50:50.
Sitting in the imagined discomfort of what might happen when you say no, means you miss out on great stuff.
You haven’t got a crystal ball – you never know.
Keep practicing this after you read this – as asking for what you want is going to be a massive deal in creating your ideal life.