Avoiding Dirty Disputes
All relationships will have conflict.
How you deal with that conflict seriously matters.
A few tips:
Work out if the issue is REALLY the issue.
Is the sock left on the stairs really what’s driving you mad – or is the situation a bigger one.
Could it be more a sense of not being appreciated in general, missing your pre-children orderly life, a lack of respect in the family?
Take a look under the surface to see what’s really going on – to see if there are more fundamental problems that need to be talked through.
Dirty Tactics
The Silent Treatment.
Monosyllabic yes/no/grunted answers to your (or their) questions – or worse yet… total silence.
A stubborn refusal to discuss matters.
The major problem with this silence is that it lets each party continue a one-sided argument in their own mind.
Inventing new details, not having questions answered and leaving the other to fill in the gaps.
While taking yourself away from an overly heated conversation makes sense – prolonged silent treatment is arguably crueler, and very counterproductive.
The silent treatment can cause wounds so deep – they might one day be unfixable.
It’s a form of manipulation of power and the giver of the silent treatment is often unaware of the long-term damage they are inflicting.
Unfair Criticism.
To calmly mention what you would like to discuss is one thing – but inflating things to a level that way far exceeds what would be proportionate is another.
‘You’re always so forgetful, lazy, loud, embarrassing’ – these are BIG statements, and probably not at all fair.
‘ALWAYS’
‘NEVER’
are unlikely to be accurate or fair.
They are likely to provoke a series of examples from the accused of how inaccurate the statements are – eroding trust and engendering a feeling of being ‘gaslit’, or lied to.
They are also incendiary
Like setting off a pipe bomb of angriness, or defensiveness.
Be mindful that when you throw the baby out with the bathwater – it feels like throwing away all the good memories and times together.
Not fair and incredibly hurtful.
Keep it about what it’s about.
Nastiness
Passive aggression, sarcasm, nastiness, sneering –
This is just going to make the other person feel belittled.
Maybe even bullied – even if they are bigger than you.
More importantly, it’s unproductive and definitely going to make your argument take longer to end and heal.
Defensiveness
Aggressively defending and justifying self to the other person.
‘You have no idea how much I do for you.’
Rather than this – calmly tell them something like
There may be some truth to this, but I don’t think it’s entirely accurate.
Keep it factual rather than emotional – and your point will be better heard.
Enough negativity already…
How to AVOID the Dirty Dispute
If you think you’re going to lose your rag, it may be worth simply coming back to the topic when you’ve both calmed down.
It doesn’t matter what time of day that might be.
Similarly, it’s a good idea to have the conversation at a time when you’re both able to focus on it – not immediately before someone has to go to work or with the TV on in the background.
Start as you mean to go on.
Do your best not to launch into things angrily – or with sarcasm or criticism.
Even if they are behaving like an utter bellend.
Introduce you want to say – carefully:
‘I feel like we were getting on really well a few months ago. I was hoping we could try to put an end to all the arguing we’ve been doing recently.”
Do I mean: “It’s not about you – it’s me?”
Well, no, not strictly that – but try to use statements with ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You did…’
“I feel like you’re not hearing what I mean, when I talk to you about this”
lands better than:
“You never listen to me”.
If you feel something – you feel it.
That can’t be argued with and takes the sting out of things.
Put yourself in their shoes
Often during the conflict, people just want to get their point across.
At whatever cost.
It’s important to (bite your lip if you have to) try to hear them out. Listen carefully until they’ve finished speaking.
Validate the other person’s feelings –
‘I totally understand that you feel like that’.
‘I get that’
‘I understand – that makes sense’
Making people feel heard is hugely powerful and is more likely to encourage a positive outcome.
They may have a completely different perspective that you hadn’t thought of at all, and they will be coming at things quite differently.
It is possible – that both of you may be partially right on an issue.
It’s also possible that one has made a mistake – however certain they are of the facts.
They might also be totally wrong.
Take the time to get the whole picture before you decide that.
Don’t let the fire get out of control.
If you can see things are getting TOO fired up – take a break.
If you do or say something in the heat of the moment that you are going to regret later, there could be no going back.
Walk away, but explain why, without resorting to the silent treatment entirely.
Talk about something else.
Watch some telly, but letting them know why you’re doing that:
“I need to take a break from this, because we’re both getting upset. Let’s revisit it __________.”
Give a little, if you can.
But only if it’s possible without compromising your values.
If you are the immovable force and they are the unstoppable object –
you’ve reached a stalemate.
No one is moving forward from there.
Good relationships sometimes end prematurely from that place, so it’s important.
If you love each other – you’re both going to have to consider moving a little towards the other.
Sometimes an imperfect resolution is better than staying where you are and robbing yourself of future happiness together.
Sometimes it’s more important to be OK than to be right.
At least for the moment.